Its a.......B..,broken heart!

Josiah,
I waited for this day for so long, I used to think that this day would never come it always seemed so far away! Today was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life, is instead a day full of numbness and pain. Today was supposed to be your due date. I can’t help but to imagine what today would have been like for us as we started our new journey in life together. Would my water have broken all by itself or would the doctors have had to break it? Would my labor have been be long and hard or quick and easy, just as it was when I gave birth to you via c-section in December. I wonder would you have come into this world kicking and screaming, or would you have entered into this world silently just as I did 25 years ago. What would it have felt like to hear the doctor say it’s a BOY!! Would I have cried when the doctor laid you across my chest or would I have just stared at you thinking did this really just come out of me. I wonder if I would have still have named you Josiah? How much would you have weighed, how long would you have been. I know a few things for sure you would have had a head FULL of black silky wavy hair, and your mommies hands. I also knew you were a fighter and you fought with everything you had. Oh and you most defiantly had my attitude when you were mad you made sure that everyone was well aware of it! One thing you taught me is the TRUE meaning of unconditional love and that’s one thing I will never have to wonder about. I can never put into words just how much I love you and just how much I miss you, there are simply no words to describe how much you are loved and missed. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be. Sweet dreams my angel my love will continue to fly to you each night on the wings of angels.
Love always,
Mommy xoxo

My Prince Charming

Josiah,
Please be near me and bring me peace and comfort as your due date is only 2 days away I miss you so much my sweet angel and I wish so badly you were still safely inside me waiting to be born xoxoxoxo I'll love you forever I'll like you for always as long as I'm living my baby you'll be, sending you lots of love baby boy

Love,
Mommy

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother And I know I heard him say… A mother has a baby This we know is true. But, God, can you be a mother when your baby is not with you? Yes, you can He replied, With confidence in His voice. I give many women babies When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others just for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there’s no need to stay. I just don’t understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you What your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile With other children and say: “We go to earth to learn our lessons Of love and life and fear. My mommy loved Oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom Who has so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy Oh so much, But I visit every day. When she goes to sleep On her pillow is where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And I whisper in her ear. Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.” So, you see my dear sweet one, Your children are not blue. Your babies are here in MY home, They’ll be at Heaven’s gate waiting for you. So now you see what makes a mother, It’s the feeling in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of, Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, Until their time is done. They’ll be up here with Me one day, And they’ll know you were the best one!

I love and miss you my angel baby

missing my angel tonight

Josiah,
Hello my lil angel I pray you are ok and doing well adjusting to your wings and new home in Heaven. I am having such a hard time especially today, I miss you so much I want you here with me so bad. I wish God would send you back to me, I wish He would have never took you away from me. Mommy hurts so bad inside I wake up everyday wishing that this was all just a dream. I had so many plans for you and for us, I had many stories lined up that I couldn't’t wait to tell you. I feel like my whole world fell apart from under me. It hurts to think, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to cry, it just hurts and im so frustrated because I don’t know how to explain my hurt and pain to anyone yet alone myself I don’t even understand how I feel. Josiah you really impacted my life son, I will never be the same and I look forward to seeing you again, mommy loves you. What hurts the most is I don’t know that you knew or understood just how much I loved you, I wonder when you heard my voice did you know it was me ,could you tell my voice apart from your nurses voices, did you know my voice was mommy’s voice? Josiah this wasn’t supposed to be like this you are supposed to be in my tummy kicking and doing flips. You are apart of me and you took apart of me when you went back to Heaven I don’t know that I will ever feel complete without you. Everyday I will realize that there is a huge part of me missing, no matter how many more kids I may be blessed with I will never feel complete. I wish you would come and visit me in a dream just to let me see you and to know that you are okay… I know you are in a better place and I should be happy and I am happy but I am sad at the same time because I wish we would have had more time together. I wanted so bad to hear your cry and to watch you crawl and walk and say mommy I wanted so bad to just hold you in my arms and rock you to sleep…. I just feel like my dreams are shattered….. Well son I am going to end this and try to get some rest, I love and miss you so much xoxo

Love you more than you will ever know
Mommy

Angels wings

Me holding Josiah after he became a angel


Josiah,
God does have a plan...It's just kind of hard to read the blueprints through the tears sometimes...Its been one month today since grew angel wings and flew back to Heaven.That day keeps re-playing in my head over and over again. I miss you so much it hurts! I long to hold you and kiss your sweet face and smell your wonderful scent. I cant even begin to find the words to describe how much I miss you. I will always hold the memories we have together dear to my heart. You were such a little mover and loved to kick your little left leg. I remembered when you peed on your nurse and for some reason you loved to give mommy the poopy diapers oh how I would do anything to change another one of your poopy diapers...You won my heart and my heart was broken when God called you home. I just dont know how to feel and my emotions are all over the place...you are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear how much I love you, please dont take my sunshine away! I love you my angel baby! I cant wait to hold you in my arms again. Mommy is so sad she cant see you and have you here physically with me but I will keep you in my heart and you are always on my mind there will never be a day that goes by that I dont think of you. xoxo
Love always and forever,
Mommy xoxo

My journal "when I found out I was pregnant"

Kind of hard to see but this is my first ultrasound picture of Josiah that i got on I was 11w2d




Below is a peice of my journal from when I found out I was pregnant, it was so bittersweet to read the different emotions I went through, scared,nervous,excited etc. (I was actually still in the hospital when I wrote this, I ended up having a week long stay).... Dang reading this felt like a sucker punch to the gut, I was so excited to be Josiah's mommy and it all ended so soon, I never got the chance to spoil my baby or hold him in my arms (alive)


Sept 2. 2010

So on Monday night August 30th , I found out I was pregnant, I had came to the emergency room because I was nauseous and couldn't’t keep and liquids or food down. I figured I was having complications from my surgery. So to make a long story short I went to have a CT scan done, and I was waiting on the results so I could go home, the doctor comes in and says ok there are a few things you have a kidney infection, a UTI, your pancreas is swollen and you are pregnant. I was like HUH I was waiting for him to say im just kidding lol but he never did.... so they ended up having to keep me in the hospital to treat me. So it was about 11:30pm when I found out and I was like I have got to tell somebody this so I called my baby daddy and I text'd my sister and Bray and Jen Jen and Ashley and my bro J…. so a little later they took me to have my first ultrasound and I got to see the babies heart beat and I realized that this was really happening. When I seen the heart beat my heart melted and I instantly fell in love. I wish I could have a ultra sound everyday.
Today I had my 2nd ultra sound and I got to see my babies tiny body and big head. The ultrasound technician said that the baby had hiccups awe how cute is that. I also got my first picture of my baby. My friends and family are very supportive. I think my dad is the most excited lol he wants the baby to be a boy he says its about time he is finally gonna be a grandpa Im happy he is happy he even said he would baby-sit and buy all the baby items if it was a boy, but I want a girl so bad. My sister also wants a boy. I should be able to find out what the baby is in November im so excited. I have a feeling it will be a boy I hope im wrong lol but as long as the baby is healthy I will be happy. So I don’t know if I am going to be able to go home today or not my potassium is low so they are trying to bring that up before they let me go home. I am so excited that God has blessed me with a baby and I pray that he gives me a healthy pregnancy with no complications. Another funny thing is my family is already arguing over who is gonna throw the baby shower lol.
At first I didn’t want one but now im ok with having one. I am almost done with my first trimester so that is easing a lot of stress and worries. And hopefully this ALL day morning sickness will go away. I have so much to be thankful for I never imagined the day that I would actually be pregnant and now its here. So thank you Lord for my little bundle of joy!!! …I need that picture to keep me motivated and to melt my heart when I look at it. I love my baby already! I cant wait until I get to hold the baby in my arms and just love on it and kiss it and spoil it rotten. I have a feeling this is going to be one spoiled baby lol between me and my dad and my sister there is no doubt about it. I wish my mom could be here to share the excitement of everything. But I know that she already knows about the baby and she is a proud grandma from heaven. Today is also my moms birthday and I miss her more and more….

Celebrating your birth

Flowers for you



and grandma




Josiah, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Josiah Happy Birthday to you!! Well son its not your birthday but today you turn one month old J So I hope you had a fun day in Heaven , I can only imagine what you must have done today. My very close friend Carmen’s baby grew wings today and flew up to Heaven, so take care of your new little buddy and show him around! I love and miss you soo much my sweet angel, I hope you know just how much I love you! I went and placed the most beautiful bouquet of yellow roses on your grave site today and I took grandma a pretty purple rose bouquet just to say I miss her and to thank her for taking care of you until mommy can come take care of you! Mommy is going to order a nice marker for your grave site. Its my way of saying I accept you are a angel, and I am finally making the final arrangement. Mommy had a post partum Dr. appointment today and I left with such a peaceful feeling I knew you were there giving my heart a hug. Tonight I am going to eat at Applebee’s with your godmommy Bray, tia Dayce and Auntie Tiffany and I will be thinking about you and celebrating your 1 month birthday. Xoxo love and miss you my son love mommy!

By the way son mommy had a good time we did karoke and just so happened someone did the happy birthday song during karoke so we just added your name in while they were singing :)