What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother And I know I heard him say… A mother has a baby This we know is true. But, God, can you be a mother when your baby is not with you? Yes, you can He replied, With confidence in His voice. I give many women babies When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others just for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there’s no need to stay. I just don’t understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you What your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile With other children and say: “We go to earth to learn our lessons Of love and life and fear. My mommy loved Oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom Who has so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy Oh so much, But I visit every day. When she goes to sleep On her pillow is where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And I whisper in her ear. Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.” So, you see my dear sweet one, Your children are not blue. Your babies are here in MY home, They’ll be at Heaven’s gate waiting for you. So now you see what makes a mother, It’s the feeling in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of, Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, Until their time is done. They’ll be up here with Me one day, And they’ll know you were the best one!

I love and miss you my angel baby

missing my angel tonight

Josiah,
Hello my lil angel I pray you are ok and doing well adjusting to your wings and new home in Heaven. I am having such a hard time especially today, I miss you so much I want you here with me so bad. I wish God would send you back to me, I wish He would have never took you away from me. Mommy hurts so bad inside I wake up everyday wishing that this was all just a dream. I had so many plans for you and for us, I had many stories lined up that I couldn't’t wait to tell you. I feel like my whole world fell apart from under me. It hurts to think, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to cry, it just hurts and im so frustrated because I don’t know how to explain my hurt and pain to anyone yet alone myself I don’t even understand how I feel. Josiah you really impacted my life son, I will never be the same and I look forward to seeing you again, mommy loves you. What hurts the most is I don’t know that you knew or understood just how much I loved you, I wonder when you heard my voice did you know it was me ,could you tell my voice apart from your nurses voices, did you know my voice was mommy’s voice? Josiah this wasn’t supposed to be like this you are supposed to be in my tummy kicking and doing flips. You are apart of me and you took apart of me when you went back to Heaven I don’t know that I will ever feel complete without you. Everyday I will realize that there is a huge part of me missing, no matter how many more kids I may be blessed with I will never feel complete. I wish you would come and visit me in a dream just to let me see you and to know that you are okay… I know you are in a better place and I should be happy and I am happy but I am sad at the same time because I wish we would have had more time together. I wanted so bad to hear your cry and to watch you crawl and walk and say mommy I wanted so bad to just hold you in my arms and rock you to sleep…. I just feel like my dreams are shattered….. Well son I am going to end this and try to get some rest, I love and miss you so much xoxo

Love you more than you will ever know
Mommy

Angels wings

Me holding Josiah after he became a angel


Josiah,
God does have a plan...It's just kind of hard to read the blueprints through the tears sometimes...Its been one month today since grew angel wings and flew back to Heaven.That day keeps re-playing in my head over and over again. I miss you so much it hurts! I long to hold you and kiss your sweet face and smell your wonderful scent. I cant even begin to find the words to describe how much I miss you. I will always hold the memories we have together dear to my heart. You were such a little mover and loved to kick your little left leg. I remembered when you peed on your nurse and for some reason you loved to give mommy the poopy diapers oh how I would do anything to change another one of your poopy diapers...You won my heart and my heart was broken when God called you home. I just dont know how to feel and my emotions are all over the place...you are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear how much I love you, please dont take my sunshine away! I love you my angel baby! I cant wait to hold you in my arms again. Mommy is so sad she cant see you and have you here physically with me but I will keep you in my heart and you are always on my mind there will never be a day that goes by that I dont think of you. xoxo
Love always and forever,
Mommy xoxo

My journal "when I found out I was pregnant"

Kind of hard to see but this is my first ultrasound picture of Josiah that i got on I was 11w2d




Below is a peice of my journal from when I found out I was pregnant, it was so bittersweet to read the different emotions I went through, scared,nervous,excited etc. (I was actually still in the hospital when I wrote this, I ended up having a week long stay).... Dang reading this felt like a sucker punch to the gut, I was so excited to be Josiah's mommy and it all ended so soon, I never got the chance to spoil my baby or hold him in my arms (alive)


Sept 2. 2010

So on Monday night August 30th , I found out I was pregnant, I had came to the emergency room because I was nauseous and couldn't’t keep and liquids or food down. I figured I was having complications from my surgery. So to make a long story short I went to have a CT scan done, and I was waiting on the results so I could go home, the doctor comes in and says ok there are a few things you have a kidney infection, a UTI, your pancreas is swollen and you are pregnant. I was like HUH I was waiting for him to say im just kidding lol but he never did.... so they ended up having to keep me in the hospital to treat me. So it was about 11:30pm when I found out and I was like I have got to tell somebody this so I called my baby daddy and I text'd my sister and Bray and Jen Jen and Ashley and my bro J…. so a little later they took me to have my first ultrasound and I got to see the babies heart beat and I realized that this was really happening. When I seen the heart beat my heart melted and I instantly fell in love. I wish I could have a ultra sound everyday.
Today I had my 2nd ultra sound and I got to see my babies tiny body and big head. The ultrasound technician said that the baby had hiccups awe how cute is that. I also got my first picture of my baby. My friends and family are very supportive. I think my dad is the most excited lol he wants the baby to be a boy he says its about time he is finally gonna be a grandpa Im happy he is happy he even said he would baby-sit and buy all the baby items if it was a boy, but I want a girl so bad. My sister also wants a boy. I should be able to find out what the baby is in November im so excited. I have a feeling it will be a boy I hope im wrong lol but as long as the baby is healthy I will be happy. So I don’t know if I am going to be able to go home today or not my potassium is low so they are trying to bring that up before they let me go home. I am so excited that God has blessed me with a baby and I pray that he gives me a healthy pregnancy with no complications. Another funny thing is my family is already arguing over who is gonna throw the baby shower lol.
At first I didn’t want one but now im ok with having one. I am almost done with my first trimester so that is easing a lot of stress and worries. And hopefully this ALL day morning sickness will go away. I have so much to be thankful for I never imagined the day that I would actually be pregnant and now its here. So thank you Lord for my little bundle of joy!!! …I need that picture to keep me motivated and to melt my heart when I look at it. I love my baby already! I cant wait until I get to hold the baby in my arms and just love on it and kiss it and spoil it rotten. I have a feeling this is going to be one spoiled baby lol between me and my dad and my sister there is no doubt about it. I wish my mom could be here to share the excitement of everything. But I know that she already knows about the baby and she is a proud grandma from heaven. Today is also my moms birthday and I miss her more and more….

Celebrating your birth

Flowers for you



and grandma




Josiah, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Josiah Happy Birthday to you!! Well son its not your birthday but today you turn one month old J So I hope you had a fun day in Heaven , I can only imagine what you must have done today. My very close friend Carmen’s baby grew wings today and flew up to Heaven, so take care of your new little buddy and show him around! I love and miss you soo much my sweet angel, I hope you know just how much I love you! I went and placed the most beautiful bouquet of yellow roses on your grave site today and I took grandma a pretty purple rose bouquet just to say I miss her and to thank her for taking care of you until mommy can come take care of you! Mommy is going to order a nice marker for your grave site. Its my way of saying I accept you are a angel, and I am finally making the final arrangement. Mommy had a post partum Dr. appointment today and I left with such a peaceful feeling I knew you were there giving my heart a hug. Tonight I am going to eat at Applebee’s with your godmommy Bray, tia Dayce and Auntie Tiffany and I will be thinking about you and celebrating your 1 month birthday. Xoxo love and miss you my son love mommy!

By the way son mommy had a good time we did karoke and just so happened someone did the happy birthday song during karoke so we just added your name in while they were singing :)

God's Tiniest Angels

There was a meeting up in Heaven
and the angels gathered round.
God spoke, They will soon be coming.
Let the trumpets sound.

Make way for my tiniest angels, God said,
for they are almost here.
Watch over them; I must go now,
and help dry their mother’s tears.

And so God went to His special place
to hear the mothers pray,
Tears fell from His eyes as He listened
to what they had to say.

The prayers were very different
yet seemed to blend into one:
You have my tiny angel, God,
but my crying has just begun.

I’m human and I’m weak, God,
and I don’t know what to do,
I need your love and strength,
and your help to get me through.

Please allow me one more thing
before I say Amen and go,
I need to speak to my babies now,
so my love they will always know.

God gathered the tiniest angels
in His arms so they could hear
their earthly mothers speaking from their hearts,
And through their tears.

From Gods eyes as well as the angels
Tears began to leak,
And the trumpets sounded in Heaven,
As the mothers began to speak.

I can’t hold you, I can’t see you,
Or count fingers and count toes,
Nor wrap you in a blanket,
And kiss your little nose.

Ill never feel your heartbeat
As you lie against my chest,
But to question would be wrong,
For God always does know best.

Ill never hear I love you,
Or mommy read to me.
It hurts so much to want you,
Knowing you weren’t meant to be.

Although you were taken from me
You will always feel my love.
I know God will allow that
In His kingdom up above.

Don’t be afraid my little ones,
For you are in a special place.
And don’t worry about me;
God will dry the tears upon my face.

He needed more tiny angels
But we are never far apart.
You’re not in my arms, my little ones,
But you’re forever in my heart.

Then God spoke to the tiny angels
And dried each little tear.
Your mother isn’t with us now,
But soon she will be here.

And when you reunite with her
For all of Heaven to see,
She will hold you close and love you
Throughout eternity.

Families are Forever

You came here for a moment,
Just a spec in time,
But as you see dear child,
Forever you'll be mine!

Families are Forever
and forever ours will be.
So, although our time was brief
I know you'll be waiting for me.

You were too perfect and special
to stay here very long.
Some people say, "How unfortunate."
But I say they are wrong!

Our family's very lucky.
A choice spirit came to us.
We gave him all he needed,
And all he knew was love.

Our time together here on earth
was moments it is true...
But nothing will take away that day
when forever we'll be with you!

I am Still a Mommy

I am still a Mommy, I was a Mommy from the start.
What makes me a Mommy is that feeling in my heart.
Pregnant I was, there was a baby inside me.
For some Mommys all it takes is to know, they have planted that seed.
There is a bond that takes place from the moment that you know.
Inside of your body someone special has started to grow.
My baby didn't make it, he is in Heaven up above.
In my heart I'm still his Mommy, I am filled with endless love.
Something happens to a woman when her seedling starts to grow.
Unless you have felt these feelings it is impossible to know.
He meant the world to me and I will never be the same.
All I need is for you to listen when I wish to say his name.
He may be gone but he's not forgotten, I miss him each and every day.
Could you imagine that it would be any other way?
What kind of Mommy would I be if I forgot my son?
I had planned my whole life around him,
all the great things we would have done.
I may have another child, possibly another two.
There is something I know for certain, he will always be my first child,
my son, and I his Mommy too.

In Loving Memory of My Tiny Precious Angel Josiah Andrew Earl,
With Love, Mommy

Too well loved to ever be forgotten

Josiah,I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
- xoxo love and miss you my precious angel please know that mommy will always love you, and know that you hold a special place in my heart that no one will ever replace. Josiah you are in every thought that I think, you are in every breath that I take, you are apart of every beat in my heart! As long as I live you will always be with me I will never ever forget you, you were my first born son and you will always be my baby. I will always mourn for you because I will always miss you. Josiah you made a great impact on my life for the short time you were here with me, you were a strong lil one and you put up such a huge fight you tried and mommy is so proud of you, I will always be proud of you. You didn't let me down so don't ever think that,(if anything my body let you down) I knew you were tired I seen it in your eyes. My arms feel so empty and I wish I could hold you in them, the hardest part was handing over your little body after holding you for hours when you passed away because I wanted to just hold you forever in my arms and I felt like I was giving you away. I even went back to the hospital the next day to hold you again and the hardest part was laying you down and walking away from you that was the last time mommy seen you. I do regret not going back one more time to see you but I knew how hard it would have been for me to lay you down and leave you for a third time so I chose not to go back, but I have faith that one day I will join you in Heaven and I am gonna hold you in my arms and never let you go (so enjoy being free while you can) Give your grandma lots and lots of hugs and kisses and butterfly kisses from me ok and let her know I love and miss her so much! Josiah I cant explain just how much I love you, I never knew it was possible to love someone so much even after death. You were once inside of me and you will always be a part of me.
Love always and forever,
Mommy

so sweet, so small, so soon

Right now i should be celebrating my son's 1 month birthday, instead I am sitting here with empty arms wishing he was still here with me or better yet still safe inside my tummy he wasnt due until the end of March 2011. He came early on December 7, 2010 I was only 24 weeks and 5 days pregnant... Josiah grew wings and flew home to be with Jesus on December 13, 2010... I will not be visiting him at the cemetary today its just still to hard to do! I can only imagine what he must be doing in Heaven right now!?!... I have come to terms that the 7th of every month I will be reminded of his birth and I pray that it will get easier to cope with as time goes on.

Ask My Mom How She Is

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
she never did before.
From now until she dies,
she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how is she,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how is she,
she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For Gods sake Mom, just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she
she'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom
with all the lies you told!"